What to expect from the Democratic National Convention; Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Obama...

The Democratic National Convention kicks off tonight with a bang. Possibly from Senator Clinton shooting someone, I don't know.

After one of the most contentious, bitter and sexually-charged (Hillary is such a tease with those pantsuits) nomination battles in recent history, the Democrats and delegates gather in Denver for Unity, Indivisibility, and happy smiling through audibly gritted teeth.

Despite Barack Obama holding the title of "Presumptive Nominee", many people are wondering aloud whether the Clinton's are going to rally behind Obama and set aside their monumental philosophical (Hillary prefers Universal health care, Obama supports uniVERsal health care)and personal (Barack made a face at Hillary) differences in order to face Republican rival John McCain in November.

Despite a call for unity, harmony and rainbows earlier this month, it appears the intense hatred between the two is starting to show again. Hillary is still under the assumption that she holds many potential Obama votes in her polyester pants pockets, and Obama's camp claims that Clinton is "...like (a) Japanese soldier still fighting in the South Pacific after the war is over", infuriating the many Japanese soldiers still fighting in the South Pacific.

Adding fuel to the all-encompassing flame, is Obama's choice of running mate, Joe Biden, who demonstrates Obama's message of change, being a fresh-faced, wide-eyed, 25 year Senate veteran. Clinton's backers claim that she should have been the choice and Obama only chose Biden because he couldn't run for both positions (Obama's camp disagreed with the former).

Regardless, this should be one hell of a convention. A few things to watch for this year:

- Al Gore shows up to thunderous applause and goes on to talk about how wonderful these last 8 years have been and all of the accomplishments and accolades he has garnered. He then cries himself to sleep.

- Hillary Clinton gives a fiery speech that controversially ends with her loudly shouting "Viva Clinton" and firing two pistols into the air.

- Ted Kennedy shows up and inspires the crowd for 10 minutes. He then leaves the stage and the intra-party bickering begins again over the exact type of Malignant Glioma he's fighting.

- Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are seen laughing maniacally to the discomfort of everyone but the Black Panthers, who have an unusually large contingent of delegates this year.

- Rumors begin circulating among Obama supporters about his having divine powers. Among the claims are his ability to walk on water, heal the blind, and show immunity to chapped lips in Denver. Burt's Bee's immediately renounces its endorsement.

- Joe Biden ends his impassioned speech about the Republican enemy with "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed, by so many to so few." The speech is met with blank stares of disbelief.

All in all, this should prove to be an exciting Democratic National Convention (Also, John Kerry is not speaking). With the cult-like following of the Obama Supporters, this could get ugly. And by ugly I mean highly entertaining. No word yet on whether Obama will show up in a white robe carried by supporters, however I am hearing reports that he plans to relocate the United States to a small compound in South America.

In an unrelated story, Kool-aid will be available in several delicious flavors.

Review: Cold War II - Colder and less relevant

In an age of film where creativity and new ideas are drying up faster than spilled beer at an AA meeting, it seems as though any film over 20 years old is getting a sequel (Indiana Jones. Cabin Fever 2) or a remake (The Day the Earth Stood Still,  Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). I have the pleasure of reviewing yet another.

Cold War II stars George W. Bush as the unlikeable protagonist (Although he's replaced early on by either a black Jesus or  Methuselah. I don't want to spoil it) and Vladimir Putin as "The Puppet Master", one of about 25 bad guys throughout the movie. Right off the bat, the star power from part 1 is severely lacking. Where we once had the likes of JFK, Nikita Kruschev, and Ronald Reagan, we now have Bush Jr., Putin and lots of nameless diplomats.

The movie is set 19 years after the ending of the first movie. Russia is now a part of NATO and is officially a "Democracy", but they still lack the key ingredient of "Party in power shall not murder opposition". It starts out with the Russian (Yes it's "Russian" and not "Soviet" now) invasion of Georgia, a little-known country most Americans think resides within US limits. 

The scene cuts to Washington DC where government spokespeople express their outrage over what is going on in Georgia, even going so far as to "Not condone" the actions. Russia responds in typical Russian fashion by banging their Nike Running shoes, (They match the track suit), on the table claiming they will crush the U.S.. 

The U.S. is already busy fighting wars on Terrorism, Homelessness, Drugs, Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Multi-lateralism, Homosexuality, Reputation, Jobs, Oil, the Environment, and Earth. They decide elaborate military posturing will do in this time of crisis and adopt said strategy. 

Russia decides to pull out of NATO, immediately making NATO relevant again. At some point, the Puppet Master (Putin) eventually succeeds in re-conquering Georgia and the Soviet Union is re-born, although this time referring to itself as the "Iron Drapes", so as to avoid confusion with the first regime.

Back in America, the country is in the midst of an historic presidential election which, despite pledges to the contrary, is becoming increasingly personal. Barack Obama airs an ad in which a nursing home is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by an Arab, clearly attempting to scare John McCain's constituency, while McCain counters with a commercial in which the Def Jam Records building is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by McCain. 

The plot line is tough to follow because of how many villains are in it. It's similar to the original Batman movie (with Adam West) where he and Robin are fighting the Joker, Catwoman, Penguin, The Riddler, Walter Cronkite, and the 1972 Miami Dolphins,  except that the villain's in this one are completely independent of each other, making for a confusing experience. 

While the first movie featured a main villain with a story that was easy to follow, it feels as though they just slapped this one together, loosely linking certain enemies with another and expecting the audience to buy into it. 

One major aspect of the movie that was promised in the original Cold War are the "Star Wars" special effects. This movie was originally intended to be a futuristic thriller complete with lasers, but apparently the studio couldn't get them to function properly and went way over budget. 

I stayed in the theatre expecting an M. Night Shyamalan twist ending (America see's dead people and Russia is actually a bunch of killer plants), but it never came.

Compared to the original, Cold War II lacks character development, a clearly defined enemy, a rallying cause, a decent back story and believable decision-making by the main characters (Really? Iraq and Al Qaeda?). This is that rare breed of movie where you root against both sides and wonder quietly, "Why can't they just all lose?". 

I give it 1 and a half stars (Out of 10) and recommend skipping this one to avoid feelings of despair, hopelessness and regret. Also, the theatre ran out of butter, damn.

Time to Break Down the Election....

As the election draws near, it is time to perform an in-depth, unbiased analysis of the candidates. I have no allegiance to either candidate and will provide you with the knowledge you need to make an informed decision based on your own personal beliefs. Basically, i'm telling you to write-in Cookie Monster as your candidate.

John McCain - Senator - Arizona

Party: Republican (Maverick Wing)

Nationality: Originated in Africa, now American

Marital Status: Hugh Hefner

Religion: Baptist (Maverick Denomination)

Profession: US Senator/Cocoon Enthusiast

Favorite TV Show: Maverick

Favorite Movie: Maverick

Favorite Word (Official): Freedom

Favorite Word (Personal): Geritol

Appeals to: Mavericks, Renegades, Outlaws, Non-conformists, Dissenters, Old People.

                                On The Issues

Health Care: Supports "Cocoon Research" and the resurrection of Don Ameche.

Iraq War: Supports staying the course, but, you know, in a maverick sort of way.

Darfur: Has pledged to talk to Queen Victoria about taking care of her colonies.

Environment: McCain has pledged to find an alternative energy source to steam power.

Gay Rights: "I keep telling you, the bond my guys and I had in 'Nam couldn't possibly be understood by civilians."

Roe v. Wade: McCain feels the more pressing issue at the moment is overturning the Dred Scott decision.

Illegal Immigration: "That yard isn't going to landscape itself."

Overview

McCain speaks softly and carries a big stick...primarily because his osteoporosis is acting up and that laryngitis just won't go away.

Barack Obama - Senator - Illinois

Party: Democratic (Hope and Change Wing)

Nationality: International

Marital Status: Married to Condoleeza Rice impersonator

Religion: Black Christ-uslim-ish

Profession: Senator/Change Advocate

Favorite TV Show: The Jeffersons

Favorite Movie: Primary Colors

Favorite Word (Official): Hope

Favorite Word (Personal): Honky

Appeals To: Honkies, everyone else

On The Issues 

Health Care: Having struggled at one point, recognizes the need for universal healthcare for all americans. (Hold for applause)

Iraq War: Having been to Iraq, he understands the suffering families are going through and pledges a swift conclusion to the conflict. (Hold for applause)

Darfur:Being African, he sympathizes with the plight of the war-torn country and will send humanitarian aid to ease the pain. (Hold for applause)

Environment: Living on earth, he agrees that change needs to be made in order to avoid catastrophic greenhouse effects. (Hold for applause)

Gay Rights: As a former gay man, he strongly supports the legalization of marriage among same sex couples. (Hold for applause)

Roe V. Wade: After having an abortion earlier in life, he understand the sensitive nature of the subject and supports upholding Roe V. Wade. (Hold for applause)

Illegal Immigration: As an illegal immigrant...wait...what was the question?

Overview

Obama understands you personally. He has hope, and wants change. Also, he can read your thoughts and now possesses your soul.

Our Next President.....