(Il)legally Blonde

As he picked up his pen to sign an historic bill into law, it is said that President Lyndon Baines Johnson turned to his aide and said, of the Democratic Party, "We've lost the South for a generation".

These words proved prophetic, as the south has never quite gotten over the passing of the Civil Rights bill in 1964. Every presidential election since that time has shown the south overwhelmingly in favor of the conservative candidate.

The bill was intended to curtail racism between blacks and whites, which, slowly, it has mostly succeeded in doing, far more so than had it never been passed or had been delayed. However, a new historic bill has been signed into law, not by a president, but by a governor in the southwest state of Arizona.

Long considered a conservative bastion, the home of Sen. John McCain has also been respected for it's non-conformity to either side of the political aisle, until recently, when Governor Jan Brewer signed a highly controversial Immigration Reform bill into law.

The bill grants police the authority to stop anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant and force them to show documents.

I realize that last sentence sounds like something from an Orwellian novel, but sadly, this is now the law of the land in Arizona.

Many opponents of the bill have referred to it as inherently racist. Proponents counter that illegal immigration is against the law, drains the social welfare system and takes jobs away from Americans.

Let's look at these arguments to see if, maybe, the conservatives have a point.

1. "Illegal Immigration is against the law".

This is true. It states it right there in the name, "Illegal Immigration". No way around this. However, you then need to look at why people migrate illegally? Is it because, as many have suggested, they're all criminals and come here looking to criminalize the US? No, and that's a ridiculous argument. A vast majority of illegal immigrants strictly adhere to the law because they don't want to draw attention to themselves and face deportation.

So why so much illegal immigration? It's simple really. Most immigrants come from poor countries looking to better themselves and their families or escape a murderous government regime (far too often). As the United States is not known for murdering dissidents, we tend to be the obvious destination of choice. However, our immigration requirements are many, and the cost is often far too high. Additionally, many foreign governments tend to tack on extra charges to those seeking a green card, including some who will not allow their citizens to leave. As immigration primarily appeals to those who want to better their lives, the costs are often impossible for them.

That the bill itself, as it speaks to immigration reform, is illegal apparently has no bearing for the citizens who so hypocritically defend it. Constitutionally, no state is allowed to pass immigration law, as it is a power reserved for the federal government alone. I'm sure Arizona will soon declare war on Mexico once the bill is overturned.

So why migrate illegally? Why not? Personally, I'd rather take my chances with some maniac racist with a shotgun than a well-organized military hunting me down for disagreeing with the Commandante.

2. "Immigrants drain the social welfare system".

Well lets look at some numbers if this is what you believe, courtesy of the Center for Immigration Studies. According to their data, 24.5% of all immigrants collect welfare of some kind. That means that less than a quarter of them actually receive benefits.

But, according to the conservative argument, they all do. So by that rationale, we can safely assume that Americans actually voted for John McCain to become president, because apparently, more than a quarter of Americans did indeed vote for him. In fact, they overwhelmingly supported him as I believe he garnered around 40% of the vote. Wow! What a resounding statement for President McCain!

Many also fail to point out that, because they are using fake ID numbers, illegal immigrants end up paying into the social security system, but are unable to collect later due to their illegal status.

What an awful drain!

3. "Immigrants take jobs away from hard-working Americans".

Well, immigrants do require jobs, which is usually why they come here in the first place. However, the types of jobs they take have very few, if any, Americans working there.

First off, 5% of the entire workforce is made up of immigrants. Secondly, 30% of illegal immigrants do not have a high school degree, while 95% do not possess a college degree. Start worrying, because that internship you had in college that they promised would lead to a job after graduation will soon be filled by a high school dropout illegal immigrant.

Immigrants primarily work in low-paying entry-level service jobs (fast food, restaurant) or difficult low paying manual labor jobs requiring 10-12 hour days in most cases. The primary demographic of Americans who work in these jobs are high school students and mom's looking for part-time work, although usually they are working in different roles than the immigrant workers.

When unemployed, because they are often found ineligible for unemployment or have no knowledge of its existence, the workers become day laborers, begin selling flowers and oranges, or simply accept any job they can get to survive and provide for their families. I can honestly say very few American citizens are willing to do this.

In addition, 1 out of every 10 immigrants, legal and illegal, eventually become business owners, employing american workers, exactly on par with the entrepreneurship exhibited by American citizens.

Watch out all you CEO's! Next week an illegal immigrant may just overtake your position!

So what is the reason for this bill? Is it racism? Not entirely. There is a racist agenda behind the bill, as I can almost guarantee that few European, Russian or Canadian immigrants, legal or illegal, will be stopped and asked to show identification. So race definitely plays a small factor, however the primary reason for this is the age old practice of scapegoating.

Immigrants have often been scapegoats throughout time. Economy failing? Blame the immigrants! Disease outbreak? Gotta be the immigrants! Rise in crime? Probably the immigrants! There was a Solar eclipse? Witchcraft by the immigrants!

The point is, we can keep pointing fingers and deporting people because of the problems the country is having, but it has nothing to do with them.

As is usually the case, those who accuse the loudest often have the guiltiest conscience.

The Problem with America

With the recent passage of healthcare reform, Conservative Americans are up in arms, saying everything from "Obama is turning the US into a communist dictatorship" to the less articulate "I'm going to leave the country if this passes".

This is the type of ignorance that upsets a logical person. Here we have a small portion of the population who truly grasp an understanding of government, the Constitution and the issues of the day, yet the loudest people are those who get 95% of their knowledge from Fox News.

I feel that, as someone who possesses a Political Science degree, it is my duty to educate the uninformed.

I am a liberal and as such, I do not agree with conservative ideology. However, those with a true understanding of government, are not social conservatives (I'll explain this later), but fiscal and economic conservatives.

Let's get started class.

1) Social Conservatism

One ideology that most intelligent liberals refuse to recognize as valid is social conservatism. Throughout history, social conservatives have been those who were Pro-Slavery, Anti-Women's Rights, Anti-Abortion, Anti-Civil Rights, and Anti- Gay Marriage, among others. The idea of social conservatism is essentially rooted in religious (usually christian) thought, which would be absolutely fine in a Theocratic Christian government. The problem with the thought process however, is that the United States is a secular government, which is explicitly stated in the constitution. Therefore, regardless of how hard they try, social conservatives will never win out.

Slavery ended, Women can vote, All skin colors have equal rights, women are allowed to choose whether or not they can have an abortion and, soon enough, homosexuals will be allowed to be officially married. Thanks to the brilliant founding fathers, progressive thought will always win out, eventually.

Social conservatives represent what is considered a powerful political ideology, however, they are not a political ideology at all. Once logic is included in the discussion, a social conservatives argument is rendered null and void, no matter how passionate he or she may be. Sadly, these people make up about half of the country. Thankfully, they matter very little.

2) Economic and Fiscal Conservatives

Now this is what a conservative truly is. Though i do not share their viewpoints, I respect these conservatives and their understanding of political thought. Many of these conservatives do not share the views of social conservatives because they understand the latter have no true grasp on reality, and are, usually, bigots.

Fiscal Conservatives believe in smaller central government, States' rights, a reduction, and gradual elimination, of state welfare, and they are usually pro-business.

Many social conservatives also adopt this platform because the Republican Party has adopted the social conservative platform. However, try not to confuse the two. Fiscal conservatives have a true understanding of government and it's functions, unlike the other group.

3) Communism and Socialism

I hear many uninformed morons constantly calling the president a socialist and a communist, with little-to-no understanding of what these actually are. Many of these idiots immediately think of Russian dictatorships and, some, even think of Nazi Germany.

First off, Nazi Germany was Fascist, which is completely different. Hitler was about as Anti-communist as they come.

Now, Communism and Socialism are not types of government. They are economic systems. Communism is not the direct antithesis to democracy. Democracy is a form of government. Capitalism and communism are both economic systems. Neither work very well, but that's a different story.

Communism is the belief that everyone in the country makes the same amount of money and shares everything. Nobody is worse or better off than their neighbor. Everyone is equal. It's a very nice thought, however it doesn't work because human nature will not allow it to work. nobody is going to work hard if they have no monetary motivation to do so. Why go to school for 8 years to become a doctor if you can make just as much money as a janitor? Therein lies the problem. A communist economy can function in a democratic government, just as a capitalist society can function in a dictatorship. They're not mutually exclusive.

Socialist capitalism is popular in Europe. Tax rates are very high, (Around 50%) but your income depends on what type of job you have, which in turn, depends on your education level. The thing is, Education, Healthcare and social services are all 100% paid for by taxes in those countries. They also have a democratic form of government with all the civil liberties that we enjoy here in the US.

Still, uninformed idiots consider this un-american. That may be the problem.

4) Kevin's Solution

So I have talked a lot about what I think is wrong with the country, and why I don't believe in Social Conservatism, but I have offered very few solutions. Well, Here you go:

Healthcare - I believe 100% in Universal Healthcare, however, the current bill is not the answer. Mandatory healthcare is a bad idea. My solution would include government-run free healthcare for those who choose it. If you are happy with your current health insurance that you pay for, keep it! There should be the ability to choose, however, as government healthcare improves, it offers a smarter choice to many consumers.

Education - This is another area in which the government should take care of it's citizens. College should be free to all US citizens. Student loans should be a thing of the past. Look at the literacy rates, test scores and success rates of people in France, Sweden and Finland compared to the US. It's embarrassing to any true American. Do the research yourself if you don't agree.

Business - Green technology, Alternative energy, Maglev Trains and Hybrid car plants are all the wave of the future. My belief is that any domestic company who decides to outsource their jobs to another country, thus taking jobs away from American citizens, should face tax penalties and tariffs so high they end up spending more money than if they kept the jobs in the US. If politicians truly cared for the american worker, this would be a no-brainer.

Gay rights, abortions, prostitution, legalization of marijuana - Since the argument of morality and religion have no bearing on a secular nation, they are null and void with no place in a political discussion. Homosexuals are humans, thus are entitled to marriage rights, abortion is a choice for a woman to decide, prostitution and marijuana should be legalized and regulated by the government to ensure safe usage and to extract taxable income, thus reducing the need for higher income taxes.

I don't want this to turn into an argument for my presidential nomination or anything like that, just an informative argument for those who want to understand exactly what is currently going on in the political landscape.

An Inconvenient Douche: The Case Against Glenn Beck

You've seen his face. His pudgy, pasty and often crying face. You've probably heard him speak. He appears nightly on Fox News spewing idiotic vitriol that only the most minuscule of mental midgets could take seriously. He has written books, including what seems to be a self-hating, multiple personality disorder-eschewing gem entitled "Arguing With Idiots: America's Next Epic Battle".


His name is Glenn Beck and he is the newest far-right conservative mouthpiece as well as heir apparent to douche bag extraordinaire, Rush Limbaugh. His viewership numbers in the millions and hundreds of thousands more flock to his live tirades at sold-out venues.


He is also a giant douche.


As the right-wing version of a wack-job consipiracy theorist, Beck blends the "fire and brimstone" theatrics of a Cotton Mather, the jingoistic theocracy promotion of Pat Robertson and tops it all off with an Art Bell-type of outlook on the world. He makes no secret of his disdain for minorities nor his hatred for any religious belief aside from Christianity.


Plain and simple, the man is a joke.


Yet, millions seem to love him. Some even going so far as to put pictures up in their home of the former drug addict and alcoholic. To these small-minded idiots, Beck is some sort of heaven-sent mouthpiece for their own racist, sexist and dangerously nationalistic views. Beck and his ideals represent everything that is wrong with the world.


When a hate-filled, emotionally disturbed conspiracy theorist can get on TV and make false claims while spreading anger and fear, freedom of speech has failed and cult of personality has gone too far.


Let's take a quick look at a small part his track record:


2006 - On his TV show, Beck asked Congressman Keith Ellison (D-MN), a black Muslim, to "prove to me that you are not working with our enemies...And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel."


2009 - Beck, talking about the Henry Louis Gates controversy, said that President Obama has repeatedly shown "a deep-seated hatred for white people {and} the white culture...".


Another despicable incident occurred in July when Beck began devoting episodes of his radio and TV broadcast to criticizing Director of White House Council on Environmental Quality, Van Jones, for prior support of controversially convicted death row inmate Mumia Abu-Jamal. The subsequent copycat attacks on Jones forced his resignation in September of 2009. Beck took credit for leading the charge, while other conservative lemmings followed suit.


It is a suspicious occurrence when public figures begin attacking others persistently. It shows not only a disdain for humanity, but also a fear of their own dirty laundry being aired.


Nobody ever thinks to ask if this man who so loves America and hates anyone who shows disrespect or questions the system, why he would repeatedly break the law on his own with his rampant drug use and drunk driving.


It is also interesting how this conservative, religious and hateful man had a homosexual affair with a radio colleague back in the 1980's while living in an apartment together.


Yes, Glenn Beck is a douche. A lying, hateful one at that.


It’s time we give him something to truly cry about.

What to expect from the Democratic National Convention; Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Obama...

The Democratic National Convention kicks off tonight with a bang. Possibly from Senator Clinton shooting someone, I don't know.

After one of the most contentious, bitter and sexually-charged (Hillary is such a tease with those pantsuits) nomination battles in recent history, the Democrats and delegates gather in Denver for Unity, Indivisibility, and happy smiling through audibly gritted teeth.

Despite Barack Obama holding the title of "Presumptive Nominee", many people are wondering aloud whether the Clinton's are going to rally behind Obama and set aside their monumental philosophical (Hillary prefers Universal health care, Obama supports uniVERsal health care)and personal (Barack made a face at Hillary) differences in order to face Republican rival John McCain in November.

Despite a call for unity, harmony and rainbows earlier this month, it appears the intense hatred between the two is starting to show again. Hillary is still under the assumption that she holds many potential Obama votes in her polyester pants pockets, and Obama's camp claims that Clinton is "...like (a) Japanese soldier still fighting in the South Pacific after the war is over", infuriating the many Japanese soldiers still fighting in the South Pacific.

Adding fuel to the all-encompassing flame, is Obama's choice of running mate, Joe Biden, who demonstrates Obama's message of change, being a fresh-faced, wide-eyed, 25 year Senate veteran. Clinton's backers claim that she should have been the choice and Obama only chose Biden because he couldn't run for both positions (Obama's camp disagreed with the former).

Regardless, this should be one hell of a convention. A few things to watch for this year:

- Al Gore shows up to thunderous applause and goes on to talk about how wonderful these last 8 years have been and all of the accomplishments and accolades he has garnered. He then cries himself to sleep.

- Hillary Clinton gives a fiery speech that controversially ends with her loudly shouting "Viva Clinton" and firing two pistols into the air.

- Ted Kennedy shows up and inspires the crowd for 10 minutes. He then leaves the stage and the intra-party bickering begins again over the exact type of Malignant Glioma he's fighting.

- Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are seen laughing maniacally to the discomfort of everyone but the Black Panthers, who have an unusually large contingent of delegates this year.

- Rumors begin circulating among Obama supporters about his having divine powers. Among the claims are his ability to walk on water, heal the blind, and show immunity to chapped lips in Denver. Burt's Bee's immediately renounces its endorsement.

- Joe Biden ends his impassioned speech about the Republican enemy with "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed, by so many to so few." The speech is met with blank stares of disbelief.

All in all, this should prove to be an exciting Democratic National Convention (Also, John Kerry is not speaking). With the cult-like following of the Obama Supporters, this could get ugly. And by ugly I mean highly entertaining. No word yet on whether Obama will show up in a white robe carried by supporters, however I am hearing reports that he plans to relocate the United States to a small compound in South America.

In an unrelated story, Kool-aid will be available in several delicious flavors.

Review: Cold War II - Colder and less relevant

In an age of film where creativity and new ideas are drying up faster than spilled beer at an AA meeting, it seems as though any film over 20 years old is getting a sequel (Indiana Jones. Cabin Fever 2) or a remake (The Day the Earth Stood Still,  Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). I have the pleasure of reviewing yet another.

Cold War II stars George W. Bush as the unlikeable protagonist (Although he's replaced early on by either a black Jesus or  Methuselah. I don't want to spoil it) and Vladimir Putin as "The Puppet Master", one of about 25 bad guys throughout the movie. Right off the bat, the star power from part 1 is severely lacking. Where we once had the likes of JFK, Nikita Kruschev, and Ronald Reagan, we now have Bush Jr., Putin and lots of nameless diplomats.

The movie is set 19 years after the ending of the first movie. Russia is now a part of NATO and is officially a "Democracy", but they still lack the key ingredient of "Party in power shall not murder opposition". It starts out with the Russian (Yes it's "Russian" and not "Soviet" now) invasion of Georgia, a little-known country most Americans think resides within US limits. 

The scene cuts to Washington DC where government spokespeople express their outrage over what is going on in Georgia, even going so far as to "Not condone" the actions. Russia responds in typical Russian fashion by banging their Nike Running shoes, (They match the track suit), on the table claiming they will crush the U.S.. 

The U.S. is already busy fighting wars on Terrorism, Homelessness, Drugs, Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Multi-lateralism, Homosexuality, Reputation, Jobs, Oil, the Environment, and Earth. They decide elaborate military posturing will do in this time of crisis and adopt said strategy. 

Russia decides to pull out of NATO, immediately making NATO relevant again. At some point, the Puppet Master (Putin) eventually succeeds in re-conquering Georgia and the Soviet Union is re-born, although this time referring to itself as the "Iron Drapes", so as to avoid confusion with the first regime.

Back in America, the country is in the midst of an historic presidential election which, despite pledges to the contrary, is becoming increasingly personal. Barack Obama airs an ad in which a nursing home is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by an Arab, clearly attempting to scare John McCain's constituency, while McCain counters with a commercial in which the Def Jam Records building is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by McCain. 

The plot line is tough to follow because of how many villains are in it. It's similar to the original Batman movie (with Adam West) where he and Robin are fighting the Joker, Catwoman, Penguin, The Riddler, Walter Cronkite, and the 1972 Miami Dolphins,  except that the villain's in this one are completely independent of each other, making for a confusing experience. 

While the first movie featured a main villain with a story that was easy to follow, it feels as though they just slapped this one together, loosely linking certain enemies with another and expecting the audience to buy into it. 

One major aspect of the movie that was promised in the original Cold War are the "Star Wars" special effects. This movie was originally intended to be a futuristic thriller complete with lasers, but apparently the studio couldn't get them to function properly and went way over budget. 

I stayed in the theatre expecting an M. Night Shyamalan twist ending (America see's dead people and Russia is actually a bunch of killer plants), but it never came.

Compared to the original, Cold War II lacks character development, a clearly defined enemy, a rallying cause, a decent back story and believable decision-making by the main characters (Really? Iraq and Al Qaeda?). This is that rare breed of movie where you root against both sides and wonder quietly, "Why can't they just all lose?". 

I give it 1 and a half stars (Out of 10) and recommend skipping this one to avoid feelings of despair, hopelessness and regret. Also, the theatre ran out of butter, damn.

Time to Break Down the Election....

As the election draws near, it is time to perform an in-depth, unbiased analysis of the candidates. I have no allegiance to either candidate and will provide you with the knowledge you need to make an informed decision based on your own personal beliefs. Basically, i'm telling you to write-in Cookie Monster as your candidate.

John McCain - Senator - Arizona

Party: Republican (Maverick Wing)

Nationality: Originated in Africa, now American

Marital Status: Hugh Hefner

Religion: Baptist (Maverick Denomination)

Profession: US Senator/Cocoon Enthusiast

Favorite TV Show: Maverick

Favorite Movie: Maverick

Favorite Word (Official): Freedom

Favorite Word (Personal): Geritol

Appeals to: Mavericks, Renegades, Outlaws, Non-conformists, Dissenters, Old People.

                                On The Issues

Health Care: Supports "Cocoon Research" and the resurrection of Don Ameche.

Iraq War: Supports staying the course, but, you know, in a maverick sort of way.

Darfur: Has pledged to talk to Queen Victoria about taking care of her colonies.

Environment: McCain has pledged to find an alternative energy source to steam power.

Gay Rights: "I keep telling you, the bond my guys and I had in 'Nam couldn't possibly be understood by civilians."

Roe v. Wade: McCain feels the more pressing issue at the moment is overturning the Dred Scott decision.

Illegal Immigration: "That yard isn't going to landscape itself."

Overview

McCain speaks softly and carries a big stick...primarily because his osteoporosis is acting up and that laryngitis just won't go away.

Barack Obama - Senator - Illinois

Party: Democratic (Hope and Change Wing)

Nationality: International

Marital Status: Married to Condoleeza Rice impersonator

Religion: Black Christ-uslim-ish

Profession: Senator/Change Advocate

Favorite TV Show: The Jeffersons

Favorite Movie: Primary Colors

Favorite Word (Official): Hope

Favorite Word (Personal): Honky

Appeals To: Honkies, everyone else

On The Issues 

Health Care: Having struggled at one point, recognizes the need for universal healthcare for all americans. (Hold for applause)

Iraq War: Having been to Iraq, he understands the suffering families are going through and pledges a swift conclusion to the conflict. (Hold for applause)

Darfur:Being African, he sympathizes with the plight of the war-torn country and will send humanitarian aid to ease the pain. (Hold for applause)

Environment: Living on earth, he agrees that change needs to be made in order to avoid catastrophic greenhouse effects. (Hold for applause)

Gay Rights: As a former gay man, he strongly supports the legalization of marriage among same sex couples. (Hold for applause)

Roe V. Wade: After having an abortion earlier in life, he understand the sensitive nature of the subject and supports upholding Roe V. Wade. (Hold for applause)

Illegal Immigration: As an illegal immigrant...wait...what was the question?

Overview

Obama understands you personally. He has hope, and wants change. Also, he can read your thoughts and now possesses your soul.

Our Next President.....