Monday, August 25, 2008

What to expect from the Democratic National Convention; Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Obama...


The Democratic National Convention kicks off tonight with a bang. Possibly from Senator Clinton shooting someone, I don't know.

After one of the most contentious, bitter and sexually-charged (Hillary is such a tease with those pantsuits) nomination battles in recent history, the Democrats and delegates gather in Denver for Unity, Indivisibility, and happy smiling through audibly gritted teeth.

Despite Barack Obama holding the title of "Presumptive Nominee", many people are wondering aloud whether the Clinton's are going to rally behind Obama and set aside their monumental philosophical (Hillary prefers Universal health care, Obama supports uniVERsal health care)and personal (Barack made a face at Hillary) differences in order to face Republican rival John McCain in November.

Despite a call for unity, harmony and rainbows earlier this month, it appears the intense hatred between the two is starting to show again. Hillary is still under the assumption that she holds many potential Obama votes in her polyester pants pockets, and Obama's camp claims that Clinton is " (a) Japanese soldier still fighting in the South Pacific after the war is over", infuriating the many Japanese soldiers still fighting in the South Pacific.

Adding fuel to the all-encompassing flame, is Obama's choice of running mate, Joe Biden, who demonstrates Obama's message of change, being a fresh-faced, wide-eyed, 25 year Senate veteran. Clinton's backers claim that she should have been the choice and Obama only chose Biden because he couldn't run for both positions (Obama's camp disagreed with the former).

Regardless, this should be one hell of a convention. A few things to watch for this year:

- Al Gore shows up to thunderous applause and goes on to talk about how wonderful these last 8 years have been and all of the accomplishments and accolades he has garnered. He then cries himself to sleep.

- Hillary Clinton gives a fiery speech that controversially ends with her loudly shouting "Viva Clinton" and firing two pistols into the air.

- Ted Kennedy shows up and inspires the crowd for 10 minutes. He then leaves the stage and the intra-party bickering begins again over the exact type of Malignant Glioma he's fighting.

- Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are seen laughing maniacally to the discomfort of everyone but the Black Panthers, who have an unusually large contingent of delegates this year.

- Rumors begin circulating among Obama supporters about his having divine powers. Among the claims are his ability to walk on water, heal the blind, and show immunity to chapped lips in Denver. Burt's Bee's immediately renounces its endorsement.

- Joe Biden ends his impassioned speech about the Republican enemy with "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed, by so many to so few." The speech is met with blank stares of disbelief.

All in all, this should prove to be an exciting Democratic National Convention (Also, John Kerry is not speaking). With the cult-like following of the Obama Supporters, this could get ugly. And by ugly I mean highly entertaining. No word yet on whether Obama will show up in a white robe carried by supporters, however I am hearing reports that he plans to relocate the United States to a small compound in South America.

In an unrelated story, Kool-aid will be available in several delicious flavors.