Thursday, August 21, 2008

Review: Cold War II - Colder and less relevant


In an age of film where creativity and new ideas are drying up faster than spilled beer at an AA meeting, it seems as though any film over 20 years old is getting a sequel (Indiana Jones. Cabin Fever 2) or a remake (The Day the Earth Stood Still,  Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). I have the pleasure of reviewing yet another.

Cold War II stars George W. Bush as the unlikeable protagonist (Although he's replaced early on by either a black Jesus or  Methuselah. I don't want to spoil it) and Vladimir Putin as "The Puppet Master", one of about 25 bad guys throughout the movie. Right off the bat, the star power from part 1 is severely lacking. Where we once had the likes of JFK, Nikita Kruschev, and Ronald Reagan, we now have Bush Jr., Putin and lots of nameless diplomats.

The movie is set 19 years after the ending of the first movie. Russia is now a part of NATO and is officially a "Democracy", but they still lack the key ingredient of "Party in power shall not murder opposition". It starts out with the Russian (Yes it's "Russian" and not "Soviet" now) invasion of Georgia, a little-known country most Americans think resides within US limits. 

The scene cuts to Washington DC where government spokespeople express their outrage over what is going on in Georgia, even going so far as to "Not condone" the actions. Russia responds in typical Russian fashion by banging their Nike Running shoes, (They match the track suit), on the table claiming they will crush the U.S.. 

The U.S. is already busy fighting wars on Terrorism, Homelessness, Drugs, Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Multi-lateralism, Homosexuality, Reputation, Jobs, Oil, the Environment, and Earth. They decide elaborate military posturing will do in this time of crisis and adopt said strategy. 

Russia decides to pull out of NATO, immediately making NATO relevant again. At some point, the Puppet Master (Putin) eventually succeeds in re-conquering Georgia and the Soviet Union is re-born, although this time referring to itself as the "Iron Drapes", so as to avoid confusion with the first regime.

Back in America, the country is in the midst of an historic presidential election which, despite pledges to the contrary, is becoming increasingly personal. Barack Obama airs an ad in which a nursing home is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by an Arab, clearly attempting to scare John McCain's constituency, while McCain counters with a commercial in which the Def Jam Records building is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by McCain. 

The plot line is tough to follow because of how many villains are in it. It's similar to the original Batman movie (with Adam West) where he and Robin are fighting the Joker, Catwoman, Penguin, The Riddler, Walter Cronkite, and the 1972 Miami Dolphins,  except that the villain's in this one are completely independent of each other, making for a confusing experience. 

While the first movie featured a main villain with a story that was easy to follow, it feels as though they just slapped this one together, loosely linking certain enemies with another and expecting the audience to buy into it. 

One major aspect of the movie that was promised in the original Cold War are the "Star Wars" special effects. This movie was originally intended to be a futuristic thriller complete with lasers, but apparently the studio couldn't get them to function properly and went way over budget. 

I stayed in the theatre expecting an M. Night Shyamalan twist ending (America see's dead people and Russia is actually a bunch of killer plants), but it never came.

Compared to the original, Cold War II lacks character development, a clearly defined enemy, a rallying cause, a decent back story and believable decision-making by the main characters (Really? Iraq and Al Qaeda?). This is that rare breed of movie where you root against both sides and wonder quietly, "Why can't they just all lose?". 

I give it 1 and a half stars (Out of 10) and recommend skipping this one to avoid feelings of despair, hopelessness and regret. Also, the theatre ran out of butter, damn.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

You call yourself Chinamen??

World Up In Arms Over Joke; Humor Taken Off Of Life-Support.


The Spanish Men's basketball team (in between burrito breaks) found time to pose for what has been deemed an offensive picture by retards.

This picture is highly offensive as the Spanish men are joking about being in China for the Olympics by pretending their eyes are slanted.

Wow, what a bunch of insensitive jerks.

Of course, they could have gone REALLY stereotypically Chinese and oppressed Tibet. Or maybe they could have rounded up members of the educated elite and executed them. They could have even caused tons of traffic accidents by not paying attention to anything around them while driving.

Humor is officially dead, which is sad because God is the greatest comedian ever, just ahead of George Carlin and Emperor Nero ( I hear he was hilarious).

As you all know, I hate lists (a list murdered my parents) but i'm going to set aside my differences for a minute and create a top 10 list of the greatest jokes ever created by god. (PS- There is a good chance someone will protest my blog after this.)

10. Asian driving ability.
9. Indigenous Americans' prove surprisingly easy to kill.
8. Hispanic people trying to speak english.
7. Indians monpolizing the .
6. White people dancing.
5. Fiscal Jews (redundancy alert).
4. Persian hygiene.
3. People who attend State fairs.
2. Fat girls' sanctuary (aka: Myspace).
1. Black people attempting to speak english.

Now, some people would find this list offensive. These people would be called sensitive.

There is still real racism going on in the world. There are places where black people will get beaten up and sometimes killed because of what they look like. The "Minutemen" down in San Diego consist of a bunch of racists looking to shoot Mexican immigrants crossing the border. Black Muslims are still some of the most racist people around regardless of the BS that comes out of Louis Farrahkan's mouth.

It's time to stop being so sensitive. I realize the various organizations out there have little else to do but attempt to misconstrue everything as some form of degradation, but the truth is, humor and racism are diametrically opposed when you look at the grand scheme.

Humor leaves behind a wife, 3 kids, 8 grandkids, a rabbi, a priest and a muslim cleric, all of whom walked in to a bar.