Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Obama vs. Hitler

It is now 2 weeks after the most important election cycle in years, in which a black man was elected President of the United States, abortion rights were upheld nationally, and Jack Bauer saved the country yet again, this time from Commie-Nazis.

Still, what is the most amazing thing to happen in the past few weeks? The obvious comparison between President Barack Obama and, you guessed it, Adolf Hitler (R-Germany).

This bit of wisdom came from the mouth of Republican Congressman (and Nazi enthusiast) Paul Broun.

Now, it’s one thing to compare the new president to the anti-Christ or Satan, but Hitler? C’mon!

It is intriguing though and, since we all know the GOP is the morally superior party and are thus unable to tell a lie, maybe there is some credence to Rep. Broun’s comments. Let’s look at exactly what he said:

"It may sound a bit crazy and off base, but the thing is, he's the one who proposed this national security force." "I'm just trying to bring attention to the fact that we may — may not, I hope not — but we may have a problem with that type of philosophy of radical socialism or Marxism."
- Rep. Paul Broun

There you have it. Creating a force, or “Department” to defend national “security”, possibly for our “Homeland”, does seem like a crazy, Marxist idea. Marx was always telling the workers to rise up and defend the homeland, or something to that effect.

Some of you out there in internet reader land may not yet be convinced, so let’s have a look at some of the voting records of Mr. Hitler and Mr. Obama.

-Hitler authored the “Final Solution” legislation which was intended to exterminate Jews in Europe at the height of World War II and the Great Depression. After much deliberation, it finally passed after he tacked on a rider granting citizens “A schnitzengruben in every pot”. Also, he murdered the opposition.

-Obama opposed the War in Iraq, but never said he was against terminating Jews in the process.

-Hitler annexed various German-speaking countries in Europe with little resistance until years later.

-Obama “annexed” various German-related foods at the Epcot Center in Florida with little resistance until hours later.

-Hitler was a painter.

-Obama is, officially, a color.

Yes the similarities between the two are striking, if not eerie. Kudos to you Rep. Broun for your courageous vilification of the new president. You truly are an American Her-…Wait….


Sounds German to me….

Monday, October 13, 2008

Richard Simmons and such and such....


When we go to the polls to exercise our constitutional rights this November (Voting, not bearing arms), everyone should look at Proposition 8 and breathe a collective sigh of relief.

It’s wonderful that we live in an era where the biggest, most pressing issue in the country is whether a group of people can label themselves as “married” or not.


I thought that major issues like the economy, war, poverty, governmental corruption and Richard Simmons would never go away, but turn on the TV and poof! Apparently our biggest fear is gay marriage…and oh yeah, the economy, war, poverty, corruption and an increasing media bias against Richard Simmons (that magnificent bastard).

It’s amazing to think that with the times we live in, a group of people would spend so much time, money and effort to oppress another group of people.

Have we learned nothing from the past? Oppression is tiring.

Now, I’m always hearing people give me their own cockamamie excuses against oppression. From “It’s morally wrong” to “Please give us back our freedom”, I hear the gamut of excuses daily.

Is it really going to hurt the economy to let the gay’s marry? Weddings are about as gay as a guy named Bruce in crotch-less leather chaps to begin with (Bruce, please stop sending me those pictures).

Whatever crazy nonsense you believe in, (catholic or non-catholic), keep the following in mind when making a decision: Richard Simmons can continue sweatin’ to the oldies with a bunch of land manatee’s, or he can sweat to the altar with his significant other, most importantly, in private.

Think about it.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Condi Gets Tough With Russia; World Slaps Collective Forehead


Deciding that nuclear holocaust may not be that bad of an idea, Secretary of State Michelle Obama...wait...I mean Condoleeza Rice, today told the press that the "timing isn't right" for a civilian nuclear cooperation deal with Russia.

The move fueled speculation that President Bush is planning to punish Russia for invading Georgia (Not fully realizing which Georgia is in question). How he plans to punish them is unknown, but the consensus thought is that the he plans to take away their XBOX 360 for two weeks. Russia thinks that is totally unfair and hates the US. Hates them, hates them, hates them!

Traveling (Hunting trip?) in Italy, Vice-President Dick "Dick" Cheney said, "Russia's actions are an affront to civilized standards and are completely unacceptable," clearly forgetting who he is.

This whole situation smells of a new cold war (and Chicken Parmesan). The Bush Administration are flexing their muscles at the Russians, while the Russians are acting like it's the 1950's again. 

The deal is still expected to go through at some point, but the elaborate posturing on both sides can be a bit unnerving for those of us born before Hannah Montana.

As was posted not too long ago, the US and Russia are on the verge of another cold war, and something like this isn't exactly the best way to avoid it. Making matters worse are comments by the hot-yet-crazy VP candidate Sarah Palin. 

When asked whether she thought war with Russia was a possibility, she made every effort to say yes, without actually saying yes. 

Here's hoping for military blue balls.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

McCain tags Palin as Running mate; Cougars everywhere rejoice.

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Striking a blow for Milf's and cougars all across America, GOP presidential hopeful John McCain chose Alaska Gov. Sarah "Puck Bunny" Palin as his choice for VP candidate. 

Democrats have chosen to attack Palin on her lack of experience, relative indifference to the VP position and smoking hot body. Their claims that such an inexperienced politician is just a heartbeat (or melanoma) away from the presidency, counter the Dem's actual practice of putting someone with similar experience (Though not as hot) in the position to begin with. 

Many pundits have derided the Palin choice as an attempt to win the angry, female Hillary supporters. Others have claimed that McCain wanted to counter the Democratic ticket with a minority of his own. Still others say that McCain is pandering to the socially conservative right wing of the GOP. 

I say they're all wrong.

McCain sees the need to have as many smoking hot women surrounding him in his remaining days as possible, like his hero, Hugh Hefner.

I wouldn't be surprised to see him fill-in his cabinet with Rachel McAdams, Scarlett Johansson, and Jessica Alba (pre-baby).

Sure the sensible choice would have been a Joe Lieberman or Mitt Romney, but give me a break. Neither of those guys are going to act as a substitute for Viagra. Kudos to you and your obvious virility John McCain!

In other news, now that the most hyped hurricane to ever break land and disappoint disaster fanatics has come and gone, the GOP convention has finally gotten underway. Lots of old, white people talking about how much they love America, littered with a few country "music" stars singing about shoving a boot up Obama's ass. You know, the usual.

The only real memorable moment was Palin taking the stage to the tune of "Stacy's Mom" by Fountains of Wayne.

Maybe that was just in my head...

McCain/Milf '08. 

Monday, August 25, 2008

What to expect from the Democratic National Convention; Or How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Obama...


The Democratic National Convention kicks off tonight with a bang. Possibly from Senator Clinton shooting someone, I don't know.

After one of the most contentious, bitter and sexually-charged (Hillary is such a tease with those pantsuits) nomination battles in recent history, the Democrats and delegates gather in Denver for Unity, Indivisibility, and happy smiling through audibly gritted teeth.

Despite Barack Obama holding the title of "Presumptive Nominee", many people are wondering aloud whether the Clinton's are going to rally behind Obama and set aside their monumental philosophical (Hillary prefers Universal health care, Obama supports uniVERsal health care)and personal (Barack made a face at Hillary) differences in order to face Republican rival John McCain in November.

Despite a call for unity, harmony and rainbows earlier this month, it appears the intense hatred between the two is starting to show again. Hillary is still under the assumption that she holds many potential Obama votes in her polyester pants pockets, and Obama's camp claims that Clinton is " (a) Japanese soldier still fighting in the South Pacific after the war is over", infuriating the many Japanese soldiers still fighting in the South Pacific.

Adding fuel to the all-encompassing flame, is Obama's choice of running mate, Joe Biden, who demonstrates Obama's message of change, being a fresh-faced, wide-eyed, 25 year Senate veteran. Clinton's backers claim that she should have been the choice and Obama only chose Biden because he couldn't run for both positions (Obama's camp disagreed with the former).

Regardless, this should be one hell of a convention. A few things to watch for this year:

- Al Gore shows up to thunderous applause and goes on to talk about how wonderful these last 8 years have been and all of the accomplishments and accolades he has garnered. He then cries himself to sleep.

- Hillary Clinton gives a fiery speech that controversially ends with her loudly shouting "Viva Clinton" and firing two pistols into the air.

- Ted Kennedy shows up and inspires the crowd for 10 minutes. He then leaves the stage and the intra-party bickering begins again over the exact type of Malignant Glioma he's fighting.

- Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are seen laughing maniacally to the discomfort of everyone but the Black Panthers, who have an unusually large contingent of delegates this year.

- Rumors begin circulating among Obama supporters about his having divine powers. Among the claims are his ability to walk on water, heal the blind, and show immunity to chapped lips in Denver. Burt's Bee's immediately renounces its endorsement.

- Joe Biden ends his impassioned speech about the Republican enemy with "Never in the field of human conflict was so much owed, by so many to so few." The speech is met with blank stares of disbelief.

All in all, this should prove to be an exciting Democratic National Convention (Also, John Kerry is not speaking). With the cult-like following of the Obama Supporters, this could get ugly. And by ugly I mean highly entertaining. No word yet on whether Obama will show up in a white robe carried by supporters, however I am hearing reports that he plans to relocate the United States to a small compound in South America.

In an unrelated story, Kool-aid will be available in several delicious flavors.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Review: Cold War II - Colder and less relevant


In an age of film where creativity and new ideas are drying up faster than spilled beer at an AA meeting, it seems as though any film over 20 years old is getting a sequel (Indiana Jones. Cabin Fever 2) or a remake (The Day the Earth Stood Still,  Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo). I have the pleasure of reviewing yet another.

Cold War II stars George W. Bush as the unlikeable protagonist (Although he's replaced early on by either a black Jesus or  Methuselah. I don't want to spoil it) and Vladimir Putin as "The Puppet Master", one of about 25 bad guys throughout the movie. Right off the bat, the star power from part 1 is severely lacking. Where we once had the likes of JFK, Nikita Kruschev, and Ronald Reagan, we now have Bush Jr., Putin and lots of nameless diplomats.

The movie is set 19 years after the ending of the first movie. Russia is now a part of NATO and is officially a "Democracy", but they still lack the key ingredient of "Party in power shall not murder opposition". It starts out with the Russian (Yes it's "Russian" and not "Soviet" now) invasion of Georgia, a little-known country most Americans think resides within US limits. 

The scene cuts to Washington DC where government spokespeople express their outrage over what is going on in Georgia, even going so far as to "Not condone" the actions. Russia responds in typical Russian fashion by banging their Nike Running shoes, (They match the track suit), on the table claiming they will crush the U.S.. 

The U.S. is already busy fighting wars on Terrorism, Homelessness, Drugs, Iraq, Iran, Cuba, Multi-lateralism, Homosexuality, Reputation, Jobs, Oil, the Environment, and Earth. They decide elaborate military posturing will do in this time of crisis and adopt said strategy. 

Russia decides to pull out of NATO, immediately making NATO relevant again. At some point, the Puppet Master (Putin) eventually succeeds in re-conquering Georgia and the Soviet Union is re-born, although this time referring to itself as the "Iron Drapes", so as to avoid confusion with the first regime.

Back in America, the country is in the midst of an historic presidential election which, despite pledges to the contrary, is becoming increasingly personal. Barack Obama airs an ad in which a nursing home is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by an Arab, clearly attempting to scare John McCain's constituency, while McCain counters with a commercial in which the Def Jam Records building is hit by a nuclear missile ridden by McCain. 

The plot line is tough to follow because of how many villains are in it. It's similar to the original Batman movie (with Adam West) where he and Robin are fighting the Joker, Catwoman, Penguin, The Riddler, Walter Cronkite, and the 1972 Miami Dolphins,  except that the villain's in this one are completely independent of each other, making for a confusing experience. 

While the first movie featured a main villain with a story that was easy to follow, it feels as though they just slapped this one together, loosely linking certain enemies with another and expecting the audience to buy into it. 

One major aspect of the movie that was promised in the original Cold War are the "Star Wars" special effects. This movie was originally intended to be a futuristic thriller complete with lasers, but apparently the studio couldn't get them to function properly and went way over budget. 

I stayed in the theatre expecting an M. Night Shyamalan twist ending (America see's dead people and Russia is actually a bunch of killer plants), but it never came.

Compared to the original, Cold War II lacks character development, a clearly defined enemy, a rallying cause, a decent back story and believable decision-making by the main characters (Really? Iraq and Al Qaeda?). This is that rare breed of movie where you root against both sides and wonder quietly, "Why can't they just all lose?". 

I give it 1 and a half stars (Out of 10) and recommend skipping this one to avoid feelings of despair, hopelessness and regret. Also, the theatre ran out of butter, damn.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

You call yourself Chinamen??

World Up In Arms Over Joke; Humor Taken Off Of Life-Support.


The Spanish Men's basketball team (in between burrito breaks) found time to pose for what has been deemed an offensive picture by retards.

This picture is highly offensive as the Spanish men are joking about being in China for the Olympics by pretending their eyes are slanted.

Wow, what a bunch of insensitive jerks.

Of course, they could have gone REALLY stereotypically Chinese and oppressed Tibet. Or maybe they could have rounded up members of the educated elite and executed them. They could have even caused tons of traffic accidents by not paying attention to anything around them while driving.

Humor is officially dead, which is sad because God is the greatest comedian ever, just ahead of George Carlin and Emperor Nero ( I hear he was hilarious).

As you all know, I hate lists (a list murdered my parents) but i'm going to set aside my differences for a minute and create a top 10 list of the greatest jokes ever created by god. (PS- There is a good chance someone will protest my blog after this.)

10. Asian driving ability.
9. Indigenous Americans' prove surprisingly easy to kill.
8. Hispanic people trying to speak english.
7. Indians monpolizing the .
6. White people dancing.
5. Fiscal Jews (redundancy alert).
4. Persian hygiene.
3. People who attend State fairs.
2. Fat girls' sanctuary (aka: Myspace).
1. Black people attempting to speak english.

Now, some people would find this list offensive. These people would be called sensitive.

There is still real racism going on in the world. There are places where black people will get beaten up and sometimes killed because of what they look like. The "Minutemen" down in San Diego consist of a bunch of racists looking to shoot Mexican immigrants crossing the border. Black Muslims are still some of the most racist people around regardless of the BS that comes out of Louis Farrahkan's mouth.

It's time to stop being so sensitive. I realize the various organizations out there have little else to do but attempt to misconstrue everything as some form of degradation, but the truth is, humor and racism are diametrically opposed when you look at the grand scheme.

Humor leaves behind a wife, 3 kids, 8 grandkids, a rabbi, a priest and a muslim cleric, all of whom walked in to a bar.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Time to Break Down the Election....

As the election draws near, it is time to perform an in-depth, unbiased analysis of the candidates. I have no allegiance to either candidate and will provide you with the knowledge you need to make an informed decision based on your own personal beliefs. Basically, i'm telling you to write-in Cookie Monster as your candidate.

John McCain - Senator - Arizona
Party: Republican (Maverick Wing)

Nationality: Originated in Africa, now American

Marital Status: Hugh Hefner

Religion: Baptist (Maverick Denomination)

Profession: US Senator/Cocoon Enthusiast

Favorite TV Show: Maverick

Favorite Movie: Maverick

Favorite Word (Official): Freedom

Favorite Word (Personal): Geritol

Appeals to: Mavericks, Renegades, Outlaws, Non-conformists, Dissenters, Old People.

                                On The Issues
Health Care: Supports "Cocoon Research" and the resurrection of Don Ameche.

Iraq War: Supports staying the course, but, you know, in a maverick sort of way.

Darfur: Has pledged to talk to Queen Victoria about taking care of her colonies.

Environment: McCain has pledged to find an alternative energy source to steam power.

Gay Rights: "I keep telling you, the bond my guys and I had in 'Nam couldn't possibly be understood by civilians."

Roe v. Wade: McCain feels the more pressing issue at the moment is overturning the Dred Scott decision.

Illegal Immigration: "That yard isn't going to landscape itself."

McCain speaks softly and carries a big stick...primarily because his osteoporosis is acting up and that laryngitis just won't go away.

Barack Obama - Senator - Illinois
Party: Democratic (Hope and Change Wing)

Nationality: International

Marital Status: Married to Condoleeza Rice impersonator

Religion: Black Christ-uslim-ish

Profession: Senator/Change Advocate

Favorite TV Show: The Jeffersons

Favorite Movie: Primary Colors

Favorite Word (Official): Hope

Favorite Word (Personal): Honky

Appeals To: Honkies, everyone else

On The Issues 

Health Care: Having struggled at one point, recognizes the need for universal healthcare for all americans. (Hold for applause)

Iraq War: Having been to Iraq, he understands the suffering families are going through and pledges a swift conclusion to the conflict. (Hold for applause)

Darfur:Being African, he sympathizes with the plight of the war-torn country and will send humanitarian aid to ease the pain. (Hold for applause)

Environment: Living on earth, he agrees that change needs to be made in order to avoid catastrophic greenhouse effects. (Hold for applause)

Gay Rights: As a former gay man, he strongly supports the legalization of marriage among same sex couples. (Hold for applause)

Roe V. Wade: After having an abortion earlier in life, he understand the sensitive nature of the subject and supports upholding Roe V. Wade. (Hold for applause)

Illegal Immigration: As an illegal immigrant...wait...what was the question?

Obama understands you personally. He has hope, and wants change. Also, he can read your thoughts and now possesses your soul.

Our Next President.....