Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Time to Break Down the Election....

As the election draws near, it is time to perform an in-depth, unbiased analysis of the candidates. I have no allegiance to either candidate and will provide you with the knowledge you need to make an informed decision based on your own personal beliefs. Basically, i'm telling you to write-in Cookie Monster as your candidate.

John McCain - Senator - Arizona
Party: Republican (Maverick Wing)

Nationality: Originated in Africa, now American

Marital Status: Hugh Hefner

Religion: Baptist (Maverick Denomination)

Profession: US Senator/Cocoon Enthusiast

Favorite TV Show: Maverick

Favorite Movie: Maverick

Favorite Word (Official): Freedom

Favorite Word (Personal): Geritol

Appeals to: Mavericks, Renegades, Outlaws, Non-conformists, Dissenters, Old People.

                                On The Issues
Health Care: Supports "Cocoon Research" and the resurrection of Don Ameche.

Iraq War: Supports staying the course, but, you know, in a maverick sort of way.

Darfur: Has pledged to talk to Queen Victoria about taking care of her colonies.

Environment: McCain has pledged to find an alternative energy source to steam power.

Gay Rights: "I keep telling you, the bond my guys and I had in 'Nam couldn't possibly be understood by civilians."

Roe v. Wade: McCain feels the more pressing issue at the moment is overturning the Dred Scott decision.

Illegal Immigration: "That yard isn't going to landscape itself."

McCain speaks softly and carries a big stick...primarily because his osteoporosis is acting up and that laryngitis just won't go away.

Barack Obama - Senator - Illinois
Party: Democratic (Hope and Change Wing)

Nationality: International

Marital Status: Married to Condoleeza Rice impersonator

Religion: Black Christ-uslim-ish

Profession: Senator/Change Advocate

Favorite TV Show: The Jeffersons

Favorite Movie: Primary Colors

Favorite Word (Official): Hope

Favorite Word (Personal): Honky

Appeals To: Honkies, everyone else

On The Issues 

Health Care: Having struggled at one point, recognizes the need for universal healthcare for all americans. (Hold for applause)

Iraq War: Having been to Iraq, he understands the suffering families are going through and pledges a swift conclusion to the conflict. (Hold for applause)

Darfur:Being African, he sympathizes with the plight of the war-torn country and will send humanitarian aid to ease the pain. (Hold for applause)

Environment: Living on earth, he agrees that change needs to be made in order to avoid catastrophic greenhouse effects. (Hold for applause)

Gay Rights: As a former gay man, he strongly supports the legalization of marriage among same sex couples. (Hold for applause)

Roe V. Wade: After having an abortion earlier in life, he understand the sensitive nature of the subject and supports upholding Roe V. Wade. (Hold for applause)

Illegal Immigration: As an illegal immigrant...wait...what was the question?

Obama understands you personally. He has hope, and wants change. Also, he can read your thoughts and now possesses your soul.

Our Next President.....