John McCain - Senator - Arizona
Party: Republican (Maverick Wing)
Nationality: Originated in Africa, now American
Marital Status: Hugh Hefner
Religion: Baptist (Maverick Denomination)
Profession: US Senator/Cocoon Enthusiast
Favorite TV Show: Maverick
Favorite Movie: Maverick
Favorite Word (Official): Freedom
Favorite Word (Personal): Geritol
Appeals to: Mavericks, Renegades, Outlaws, Non-conformists, Dissenters, Old People.
On The Issues
Health Care: Supports "Cocoon Research" and the resurrection of Don Ameche.
Iraq War: Supports staying the course, but, you know, in a maverick sort of way.
Darfur: Has pledged to talk to Queen Victoria about taking care of her colonies.
Environment: McCain has pledged to find an alternative energy source to steam power.
Gay Rights: "I keep telling you, the bond my guys and I had in 'Nam couldn't possibly be understood by civilians."
Roe v. Wade: McCain feels the more pressing issue at the moment is overturning the Dred Scott decision.
Illegal Immigration: "That yard isn't going to landscape itself."
McCain speaks softly and carries a big stick...primarily because his osteoporosis is acting up and that laryngitis just won't go away.
Barack Obama - Senator - Illinois
Party: Democratic (Hope and Change Wing)
Marital Status: Married to Condoleeza Rice impersonator
Religion: Black Christ-uslim-ish
Profession: Senator/Change Advocate
Favorite TV Show: The Jeffersons
Favorite Movie: Primary Colors
Favorite Word (Official): Hope
Favorite Word (Personal): Honky
Appeals To: Honkies, everyone else
On The Issues
Health Care: Having struggled at one point, recognizes the need for universal healthcare for all americans. (Hold for applause)
Iraq War: Having been to Iraq, he understands the suffering families are going through and pledges a swift conclusion to the conflict. (Hold for applause)
Darfur:Being African, he sympathizes with the plight of the war-torn country and will send humanitarian aid to ease the pain. (Hold for applause)
Environment: Living on earth, he agrees that change needs to be made in order to avoid catastrophic greenhouse effects. (Hold for applause)
Gay Rights: As a former gay man, he strongly supports the legalization of marriage among same sex couples. (Hold for applause)
Roe V. Wade: After having an abortion earlier in life, he understand the sensitive nature of the subject and supports upholding Roe V. Wade. (Hold for applause)
Illegal Immigration: As an illegal immigrant...wait...what was the question?
Obama understands you personally. He has hope, and wants change. Also, he can read your thoughts and now possesses your soul.