Friday, February 12, 2010

Valentine's Day Gift Guide: A Break from the Ordinary

Valentine's Gift Guide
In addition to possessing a brilliant political mind along with the ability to find fault with any public official, I happen to be an excellent dispenser of advice.

Be it love, relationships, pets or herpes, I can help remedy your situation with some encouraging words, a cup of hot cocoa and a swift kick in the ass.

I can also give you excellent gift advice.

Valentine's Day is that magical holiday in which women's expectations regarding the romanticism of men are rapidly crushed in a hailstorm of flowers and flavored message chalk.

In the spirit of the holiday, I will massacre a group of 1920's-era Chicago Gangsters...or just write up a gift guide. Either one...

Let's start with the guys:

1. Is your wife or girlfriend (or both) always complaining about how fat she looks? Do large objects instinctively revolve around her? Is her gravitational pull considered a wonder of the scientific community? Then how about a 1-year membership to Curves Gym (Cost: $1,000)? Not only will she drop a couple of metric tons, other men won't be constantly watching her on the Stairmaster (mainly due to the hypnotizing "Jiggle Effect").

2. So let's say your lady friend is a bit older than you. Think Demi Moore, plus 40 years. Better yet, think Dudley Moore. In this situation, your best bet is Breast Firming Cream (Cost: $20-30). It probably won't work, but she'll be happy you're putting forth the effort to make her ex-husband jealous.

3. Gentlemen, we have all faced it. It was once a world-wide epidemic threatening to destroy humanity as we know it. In recent times, it has become eradicated in the more advanced countries, but still it plagues our society. That's right gentlemen, "Too much grass on the playing field". Nations have gone to war over this issue (see Pubiponessian War) and it is high time for full-eradication. Luckily, the most advanced weapon against this debilitating condition is widely available. A Brazilian Bikini Wax (Cost: About $50) will take care the problem immediately. Nothing says I love you like "deforestation".

4. The next item on my list is Wrinkle Cream (Cost: $35). If she needs this, stop picking up women in the damned retirement home!

5. Lastly, for the woman who has it all (including odd smells), try the miracle gift of Femenine Hygiene products (Cost: Varies). Not sure what exactly to buy? Follow this little rhyme: "If something smells iffy, while throwing your Koosh (90's era football), go get your girl, a package of Douche."

Because I am an equal-opportunity blogger, women are just as obligated to buy presents as men are. So women, thank me later.

1. Does your guy get you going, only to disappoint seconds later? Is his nickname "Old faithful" because he erupts every 3 minutes? Is the term "Minute man" his lifelong goal? Well, congratulations, you're dating 99% of the male population. This year, let him know you care with a bottle of Premature Ejaculation cream (Cost: $20). Turn 10 seconds of pleasure into a full half-minute!

2. Maybe your guy isn't one of the many labeled above and can go for hours. The problem is, you fall asleep halfway because you're 99% positive he's just getting creative with a toothpick. This Valentine's Day, your best bet is a box of Small-size Condoms (Cost: $12). The bonus for you? There are about 6,000 in the box, thus saving you money!

3. For the man about town who seemingly eats a shit sandwich for lunch daily, Breath Fresheners (Cost: Less than $5) should do the trick. If you can't tell the difference between kissing his mouth, and kissing his ass, this is a no-brainer.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

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